Masaya. Malungkot. Sabaw. Masaya Ulit. Malungkot Ulit.

.....

5 minutes has passed, wala parin akong maisip na intro.. Sheeesh!

Game na nga!

Anu na nga ba mga nangyayari sakin lately? Well, it's been one bumpy ride if you ask me. Madami nang nangyari. Masaya. Malungkot. Mas malungkot. Sabaw Moments. Tapos Masaya ulit. Tapos Malungkot na ulit. Nakakapagod actually, paulit-ulit. Pero ganyan naman talaga diba? Siguro kaya rin ako walang gana magsulat dito dahil baka sabihin lang ng mga babasa "Ay! Ganyan na naman?". Well, hinid naman ako pressured sa kung anu magiging reaction ng mga nagababasa, wala lang. Siguro ayoko lang na sa ibang tao pa mangaling na paulit-ulit na lang yung mga dinadaing ko sa buhay!

Anyway, sa sobrang disoriented ko ay hindi ko talaga alam saan magsisimula. Sige, simulan naten sa masasayang bagay.

JULY 12.
Una na syempre yung nakaraang birthday ko. Masaya naman ako na nadagdagan nanaman ako ng taon, at nabigyan ulit ng pagkakataon para mabuhay pa ng isa pang taon. [Drama?] Iba kasi ngayong taon, simple lang. Nabigyan ng bagong kahulugan ang 'birthday' sakin. Dati kasi nasanay ako na may 'birthday' cake, 'birthday' party, 'birthday' presents, at kung anu-ano pang 'birthday' perks. Pero ngayong taon, hhhhmm.. Wala. Hindi naman totally na wala talaga, wala lang on the day itself, gets? Iba parin kasi pag sa saktong birthday mo nangyayari ang lahat ng 'birthday' perks na yan! And may isa kasing pangyayari na sobrang hindi ko makakalimutan ever..

It was a Monday, and I have work. [Dahil hindi ako pinayagan mag-'birthday' leave, pumasok ako.] Mom texted me to go home early kasi bibili daw sya ng something para may 'dinner' kami. After office, dumaan muna ko kila Louis para kuhanin yung mga pina-DL ko, tapos umuwi na ko. When I arrived home, my friend texted me that he has something for me because it was my birthday, so lumabas muna ako saglit. Habang nasa labas ako, dumating na pala si Mama sa bahay, so nakasalisi kami. And then I received a text message from her; "Sorry bunso if ito lang ang kaya ko, mahirap lang kami ng daddy mo and we can't give you the party that you want. I hope your happy with your friends on your birthday. Happy birthday." Hindi ko alam paano magrereact sa text nya, pero nagreply ako; "Ma, andito lang ako kila Marvin, pabalik na ko." When I arrived home, I hugged her. I explained to her na may binigay lang sakin yung friend ko and that maaga talaga ko umuwi and I was waiting for her. After nun, kumain na kami. Goldilocks, Chowking, pati Ice Cream. Solve! Pero 'Chowking Lauriat' sakin dahil daw 'birthday' ko. At habang kinakain ko yung Chicharap, naiyak ako. Hindi naman kasi ako humihiling ng kahit anong 'magarang' bagay sa birthday ko eh. Mababaw lang kaligayahan ko, at hindi ako demanding. Na-touch naman ako sa 'birthday' treat ni Mama, at kahit tatlo lang kami nun, ok na ko dun. Masaya narin. Dun ko napatunayan na hindi naman kailangan ng mga party-party at kung anu-ano para magkaron ng masayang birthday eh, nasa tao narin yun siguro. Ü Masaya naman yung birthday ko dahil marami parin pala nakakaalala na JULY 12 ang 'tamang' birthday ko. Pero if I were to pick 3 things na pinaka-maaalala ko sa birthday ko ngayong taon, ito na siguro yun: Mom's Chowking Lauriat, Endless Love [VS] Body Splash from Marvin, and a 'power hug' from the 'bestest' 'rock-and-rollest' cousin in the world, Louis. Happy Birthday Melai! Ü

JULY 15.
FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World @ The WTC in Pasay. Masaya kasi from Non-VIP tickets, naging VIP Pass! [Thank You Abai!] Super saya! Nag-enjoy ako mag-adore ng mga sexy at magagandang babae [Pili lang ang mga nagustuhan ko.] and the show is great! Magaling yung mga performers! Ü Masarap yung food. [Hooters!] at may moment si Henry. After the show, nagtrip kami na magpapicture sa stage na may 'FHM' backdrop, habang nasa stage na, nagulat akong may lalaking nakahilata sa floor. When I double-checked, it was Henry! His face is covered in his own blood. I freaked out, pero tinulugan ko parin sya, kahit nakakatakot yung stage, ayus lang. Ayun, we called the Medics and nilagya muna ng first aid, tapos chaka sila nagpunta ng hospital ni Arnold. Grabe! One fun-filled night turned out to be an unforgettable moment for us. At dahil jan, nagkaroon ako ng 'NFF' [New Found Friend.] Ok narin. Masaya parin natapos ang gabi. Kahit puyat, pagod, masaya parin! Ü

JULY 16-18.
We went to Zambales. Team April 9 plus 2 [Pau and Em] minus one. [Wala si Dave.] Actually mixed emotions yung na-fi-feel ko at that time. Hindi ko alam, may weird feeling ako, pero naeexcite ako kung anu yun. Anyway, wala ako masyadong kwento about the trip. Masaya kasi nakarating narin akong Potipot. [Na ilang buwan ko nang ikinakatampo kay Louis at Bamba] Kahit lumakas yung ulan, go parin! Masaya din kasi 'super close' na namin ni Bamba, ipinadama nya sakin paano maging isang ina sa walong katao! Hahaha! Ü Basta, nag-enjoy kami sa pabalaik-balik sa palengke, magluto, maghugas ng kung anu-ano. You get the picture. Basta! AYun, anu pa ba? Malungkot din, kasi kung ihahambing ko sya sa una kong punta sa Zambales... Hay naku! Wag na ihambing! Hahaha! Bitter ako! Joooke! Siguro kasi nag-expect lang din ako, pero dahil sa iba narin ang sitwasyon.. Iba din ang mga pangyayari. Loner ako sa trip na to. Loner na, Loser pa. Wala nga din gana si Keri nun eh. [Na-'camera'-nap pa sya ng butihin kong pinsan!] Natulog ako ng maaga para magising ng maaga para magluto. Beat that! Basta, wala na ko masabi. Yun na yun. Masaya. Malungkot. Sabaw. 3 Hit Combo para sa trip na to.

JULY 23.
Had dinner with my most beloved girls; TUSK! Ü Dapat, dine-out somewhere, pero dahil its a Friday, we decided na sa house nalang nila Bits tapos bumili nalang kami ng food. Bonding, pictures, food trip, chickahan, more pictures. And then I had to leave na. :( How I missed those girls, and the five of us together.. [Next time ulit girls! Ü]

Went to meet my HS friends along Rufino. Naglakad ng mahabang-mahaba para maghanap ng Starbucks store na may available na socket para makanuod ng videos on YouTube. Malalang trip na to grabe! At hindi namin pwede kainin ang dala kong cake sa Starbucks, we decided to go to Arnold's house. [Para narin mas mabilis ang WiFi Connection. Haha!] Swiss Chocolate Cake, Benny Lave, Picture.. picture and more picture, FB stalking, and then we called it a night around 3am already! Hahaha! Ü Everybody happy kaya astig ang biglaang 'chorvah' na 'to! Magaling, magaling, magaling! Natututo na tayo na mas masaya ang biglaan! Ü

CURRENTLY..
After ng lahat ng mga nangyari.. Hindi ko parin alam kung bakit may 'torn' feeling ako lately.. Masaya naman pala ako nung mga nakaraang araw.. Pero parang ang default mood ko ay 'malungkot'.. Hindi naman emo.. Basta malungkot lang.. Or bored? Lately kasi ang chill lang ng mga araw ko.. Trabaho, uwi, tulog, gising, trabaho ulit, uwi ulit, etc. Nasanay siguro ako sa 'rakrakang' mga araw. But don't get me wrong, nag-e-enjoy naman ako magpahinga. Hehehe! Ü I need something to refresh myself. Or to divert my attention perhaps..

HOPING. PRAYING.
I have hunches kung bakit ako malungkot pero I tend to ignore those things because I know it won't matter anymore. I know that I can manage.. or that I'll get by.. Siguro nga 'episode' lang 'to sa buhay ko. [Tulad ng pagkabaliw ng pinsan kong mataba!Ü] I'm praying that God will continue to give me strength to go through this. [Siguro my 'emotions' are being tested because He knows that it is my weakest point.] Madalas na kong nahihirapan, and knowing na kinakaya ko lang lahat, parang mas masakit. Parang ang labo yata. Basta ganun! Sana din tuluyan ko nang ma-free yung heart ko from all the hatred, bitterness, and sadness na meron ako ngayon. I hope that in time, I'll be able to look back at all of these things.. and just smile about it. Haaaaay! Pain, pain go away! Abnormal na ko. Ito na naman yung ugali kong hindi ko kailangan problemahin ang mga bagay na nakakapagpalungkot lang sakin. Note to self: HINDI DAPAT!

SAYO.
Sobrang miss na miss na kita. :(( You don't know how much I'm hurting everytime I see you. And it hurts even more thinking that we can never have those times back. Ignoring you doesn't help at all, niloloko ko lang sarili ko. Alam ko namang wala akong karapatan maginarte ng ganito sayo, gusto ko lang ilabas 'to. Baka kasi makaluwag lang sakin. Siguro din kailangan kong i-admit 'to sa sarili ko. Ngayon ko napatunayan na pwede palang maging masakit ang sobrang pagka-miss sa isang tao. Ibang tao kasi yung nakita ko nung mga panahon na yun, at ngayong wala na, alam kong hindi na mababalik yung "tao" na yun. Minsan nang nangyari sakin to, naulit na naman, at ang malas ko dahil sayo pa! Haaaay! Wala naman akong gustong mangyari eh, wala narin naman ako sa position para magdemand. Magdedemand pa ba ko eh hindi ko nga mabigay yung gusto mo dati? Basta.. Miss na miss na miss na kita! :(( If I have one wish..... ✩

TO MY DEAR COUSIN.
Super "Thank you" for everything. As in EVERY-FREAKING-THING! Sa dami ng mga bagay na yun, kulang yung buong blog ko. Hehehe. Salamat kasi, as weird as I am, and as crazy as my thoughts can be, still you listen. Kahit wala nang kwenta mga rants ko sa buhay, nakikinig ka parin! Quits lang tayo, dahil nakikinig din ako sa mga kabaliwan mong hindi ko maintindihan! Hahaha! Salamat sa mga 'power hug' na hindi na halos ako makahinga dahil amoy mandirigma ka minsan. [Hahaha! This is my blog, pwede kita awayin! Ü] Basta.. for being there, for being transparent, for being honest and opinionated.. [Talaga?] SALAMAT! ♥ Matagal pa tayong magkakasama, habaan mo pa ang pasensya ha? Hehehe! Ü [Napansin ko lang.. Namimiss na kita! Sama ka sa weekend ha? Lablab ng madami! ♥]

So, that's it. Wala na ko masabi. It took me 3 hours to compose this post grabe! At naiyak ako ng bongga. [Hindi tuloy ako makasagot ng maayos sa calls.] Dito nalang muna. Ü More masaya-malungkot-sabaw-masaya-malungkot kwentos next time.

Wait Lang..

Matagal narin pala akong hindi nakapagpost dito. Andami nang nangyari, lahat naka-'mental note' at naka-'draft' lang, pero hindi ma-publish. Bakit kaya? 1. Hindi pa ko ginaganahan magblog ulit. 2. Hindi ko ma-gather ng maayos thoughts ko. 3. Ayoko mag post for the sake of posting lang. 4. BUSY AKO! Hahaha! Ü

Basta.. Just hang in there.. Makakapag-update din ako.. Siguro bukas, o sa isa pang bukas.. Basta..

Hindi Makatulog.

Mga kalat na pagiisip dahil hindi ako makatulog:

1. Tumatanda na ba ako? Dahil hindi na ko makasabay sa puyatan, naiinis ako kapag hindi kumpleto tulog ko, at naiirita ako sa mga maiingay kapag hindi ako makatulog. Haaaaay. 23 palang ako pero ugali ng 32 'to diba? :(

2. "YOU WANT WAR? I'LL GIVE YOU WAR!" Kung may attitude problem ka at ako ang aartehan mo, (Nang hindi kumpleto tulog ko) asahan mong babalik sayo ng x2 lahat yan, and worse! Che!

3. Loner din pala ako. Mas gusto ko mapagisa kaysa sa makasama ang maraming tao. Mas naeenjoy ko ang paligid pag mag-isa. Peace of mind. Relaxing.

4. Hindi pala sa hindi ko kaya magpuyat, may pinipiling panahon lang. Parang ngayon, antok ako pero dilat na dilat pa ko.

5. Meron pala talaga akong ugali na "Bago ako, sila muna." Tipong ok lang na ako ang magadjust (Sometimes to the extent that even I couldn't imagine) basta maging masaya/ok lang sila. Sacrifice baby! Para lang wala nang masabing kung anu man.

6. Kaya ko palang magtype ng random tulad nitong blog na 'to na hindi ko iniisip sunod kong sasabihin. Bira lang ng bira!

7. Naho-homesick parin pala ako. At alam ko tuwing kailan yun. Tuwing wala ako sa bahay (Malamang!) at hindi ako masaya sa kasalukuyan kong kinalalagyan kaya namimiss ko sa bahay. (specifically sa kama katabi mommy ko.)

8. Hindi parin pala ako over sa stage na hindi nakakatulog ng walang ilaw. Parang ngayon, dahil hiniling ng kasama kong patayin ang ilaw, ayan! Sya'y mahimbing na mahimbing na habang ako blog pa ng blog para makatulog. Haaaay.

Ititigil ko na muna dahil masakit na daliri ko. (I'm just using my fone kasi.) Till here. :)

Am I REALLY Over It?

When I said "IT'S OVER..", do I really mean that it was "over"? Or do I really want it to be "over"? Seriously, I don't know where the difference in these two lies. All I know is that I'm still affected by what is / what is not happening between us. I am still hurting. I am still missing you. And the situation I am / we are in right now, its not helping at all.

I just have to let this out. This thought has been bugging me for almost a week now, and it really burdens me to think about these things, cause I know that I can't do anything to make it better. I just have to endure the 'pain' and hope that eventually, it will be ok again.

I know I have faults [I'm not perfect. Almost perfect lang! Ü] that's why I think I deserve this uhhmm.. problem? Hindi ko alam ang tawag, basta THIs. ITO. Kung anu man to. :(

Ayoko na mag-English. Sumasakit na nga dibdib ko, dudugo pa ilong ko. Haha! Pati natatagalan ako mag-blog pag English kasi iisipin ko pa maigi. Di katulad pag Filipino, dere-derecho lang. Parang ngayon, pointless na tong sinusulat ko pero sige, GO LANG! Ü

Game. Anu nanaman nga ba kasi to? 23 na ko [Di parin ako sanay, ilang araw palang akong 23.] at ganito parin mga drama ko sa buhay. Well.. Isa lang masasabi ko.. "SORRY NAMAN! NAGMAMAHAL/MINAMAHAL LANG!" Hahaha! Ü Seriously, hindi ko din alam bakit ganito ako ka-affected kapag L-O-V-E ang usapan, lalo na kung L-O-V-E-L-I-F-E ko! Hindi naman ako mababaw na tao para yun lang ang isipin ko sa buhay, affected lang talaga ko ng SOBRA that's all!

Anyway, ayun. Back to what I was saying. Hindi ako sure kung over "OVER" na nga talaga kung anu man yung meron sakin / samin. Hindi ko din alam kung gusto kong over na nga talaga diba? Selfish? I know. Kasi for me, kapag sinabing "over" na, it means tapos na, the end, period, etc. Yung tipong "no turning back", bawal ang "urong-sulong" at "balimbing". Dapat kapag over na.. OVER na talaga. Kaya ako gumaganito ngayon kasi parang hindi ganyan ang nangyayari sakin ngayon. Huhuhu. Ang hirap ko intindihin. :(

Ganito kasi yan. Bakit tuwing nakakakita ako ng something from someone [Let's say sa FB.] parang may tama sakin. I mean, hindi naman ako yung pinatatamaan or hindi naman ako involved dun sa nakita ko, pero may tama talaga. Yung tamang parang 'kirot'. Yung alam mong may laman. Yung alam mong kahit paano masakit? [Or exagg lang ako?] Basta ganun yung feeling. Tapos idagdag mo pa dun na alam mong hindi kayo ok lately, as in totally walang communication, pero ikaw naman ang nagdecide na maging ganun in the first place. So either way, olats ka. Ako pala, I mean. Nagiging 'self-centered' na ba ako? Hindi ko alam. Baka nga. Nooooo!

Bukod dito ay may isa pa kong nararamdaman na alam kong hindi dapat. SELOS. Aaaaw! matagal ko nang kinondisyon ang utak ko na hindi dapat ako maging selosa, or magselos sa kahit anong bagay. As in KAHIT ANO! Dito ko unang natutunan ang salitang "Chill.." meaning, kalma lang. Hindi dapat magselos dahil pinagmumulan lang 'to ng away. Ayoko pa naman ng away, dahil kasunod nun usap. Haaaay! So ayun nga, wala na kong selos sa katawan.. DAPAT! Kaya lang, dahil nga nagiging self-centered na ko, parang nagiging selosa narin ako. Tama ba? Basta point is, nagseselos ako ng hindi dapat. At ayoko 'to! Kasi naman, may ibig sabihin dapat yun kung bakit ko nafifeel yun diba? Dahil ba sa sobrang selfish ako, gusto ko akin lang sya? Dahil ba kahit pinakawalan ko na sya dapat ako parin gusto nya? Dahil ba dapat kahit wala na, meron parin? Ha? Anu daw? Di ko na magets mga sinasabi ko. :((

Till here nalang muna. I think I'm not thinking straight anymore. Sabog na ideas and thoughts ko eh. :(

PS.

Naisip ko lang, ito yata yung hardest part eh. Yung tipong alam mong gusto mo na talaga mag-move on pero may 'longing' kang nararamdaman with the person kaya nahihirapan ka.

Or, pwede din kasi na it didn't end up well kaya may slight 'bitterness'.

Pwede din na gusto mo na sila i-let go pero ayaw mong i-let go ka nila. Peste! Selfish nanaman?

Feeling ko jinujustify ko lang yung mga whines ko sa taas kanina. Oh well. Sorry naman. :(

2nd - "The Morning After."

"Asan ako? Sino ako? Bakit iba na damit ko? Waaaah! Sakit ng ulo ko. Hangover!"

At habang inaalala ko kung anu nangyari nung gabi, napangiti nalang ako. ^____^

I love Sunday mornings. Peaceful. No rushing to the bathroom so you won't get late. Relaxing. Sweet. ♥ I needed this kind of rest, after all, its been a rock and rollin' week and I haven't had enough rest. I can hear my mom now saying "Wag mo abusuhin katawan mo!" Ü [Hindi mo naman maaabuso to pagtanda mo na diba? Hehehe.]

Bummed around the whole afternoon. Watched Pretty Little Liars and Glee.

Went to church for the Vesper Service. [Di kinaya sa afternoon magsimba eh.] Hangover strikes again. Fell asleep during the sermon. [sOwiE pFuoWh. JejEje.] Prayed to give thanks for 23 rock and rolling years.

Dinner at Yellow Cab then off to Central Adriatico for another birthday bash but got dissapointed because IT WAS FREAKING CLOSED! :( So we ended up in Starbucks Adriatico instead. Energy sucker! WE WANT THAT BAD TRIP REAL BAD! :( Felt frustrated, really frustrated. But I kind of enjoyed hanging out with them. Tamang "chill" lang.

My annual "Grinch" mode is kicking in already. I. AM. TIRED. And I need to go to work tomorrow. What a birthday!

3rd - "Dance. Drink. Die."

Still Sleepy. 5th day of my Zombie mode. 0_o

I was late for my class and miss almost half of the morning session. I still manage to jot down some notes though. We had lunch at Max's, and my classmates were pretending that it was my "Birthday Treat". [Asa!] It was also the first time that my "crush" from the class talked to me. [After that, he wasn't my crush anymore, close na kami eh! Haha! Ü] The afternoon session was a lot of fun. Our assignments were the entries for the in-class contest that has 2 categories. I don't want to go through the details but it was fun. Also, 4 of our professors were the judges so it was S-C-A-R-Y! And so that's it. Ü

After that I went home to prepare for my Pre-Birthday Bash with my friends from Starbucks. Of course, it was raining, but that didin't stop us from having a hard rockin' party that night. LAX was SUPERB! ♥ Non-stop dancing with my little black dress on. We definiely had a great time. I missed clubbing so much.. The way people dress up, the shimmering eyeshadows, the bling-blings, the loud RnB music, the flashing lights, the bumping-grinding-flirting on the dance floor.. [Not me! Ü] I MISSED EVERYTHING! It nice to just look around every once in a while. Ü

I really can't stand SanMig Strong Ice. But we have no other choice that night so I have to bear with them. Aside from the fact that I don't like it that much, It also doesn't go well with a Vodka Cruiser. 5 SM + 2 Vodka Cruiser = Sober. It was a major headache! X_X [But it was fun. The last time I was THIS drunk... Hmm... Can't remember! Hahaha! Ü] Shot till we drop!

I got home safe. But the ride home was unexplainable. I asked the driver to turn off the aircon and put the windows down for a while because I might blow up. Luckily, I didn't. As I entered the house, that's when I did it. And then I PASSED OUT. X_X

This is how you party! Happy Birthday Melai! ♥

"Patrones on the rocks and I'm ready for some shots! Let's go! Ü"

2 days to go.. ♥

4th - "Usher.. Uhhhsaaaah!"

Petiks Friday at the office. Again. A lot of people are already greeting me a "Happy Birthday". [Pfft! How can it be happy when I HAVE TO FREAKING WORK ON MY BIRTHDAY! Birthday Leave not granted.]

THIS IS IT! Its Usher's concert here in Manila, and I don't have tickets. :( I feel really really REALLY sad because I won't get to see him perform. To think that I have come to know this concert 3 months before hand, and I did plan to buy a GOLD ticket. [Yeah, that's how much I want to see him perform!] Well, I got over it actually. But then I can't help myself say 'Saaaayaaaang' and then imagine his abs! Hahaha! I also get to see his playlist for the concert, and most of my beloved Usher break-up songs aren't on the list. Oh well. I was in MOA around 9pm [To print my assingments.] and I was really really tempted to go to the concert grounds just to "hear" him perform, but just as I was walking, i turned around and decided not to. It would really break my heart [Even more.] by being there and not actually "being there". Big diferrence. Anyway, I'm just hoping that he'll be back here in Manila.. He will be back.. Please come back? [And take your shirt off if you do! Hahaha! Ü] And I swear I'll be there.. WHATEVER IT TAKES! Ü

So, there. My July 9th was just spent daydreaming about Usher's washboard abs. Ü

"I'm your girl. And you're my man. Promise to love you the best I can. ♥"

3 days to go.. ♥

5th - "Photography Is Not An Easy Task. :("

Boring day at the office. Hapontukin. Zzzzz..

I just watched the second half of the first season of Glee. Oo na, ngayon lang. Loser, I know. But anyway, at least I get to watch it continuously. And I really enjoyed it. The episodes always have a good ending. Touching. ^___^

Anyway..

Its been 3 days since I started doing my last assignment for my Photog Class and haven't got enough sleep. [And I have pimples as a proof of that!] Luckily I have a very very VERY dependable friend to help me out [Kahit may migraine. Thanks Cuz! ♥] and very very VERY patient models [Thank You Kuya Jet and Virma! ♥] that's why I'm able to do it "almost" succesfully. Ü I'm having fun taking photos for my assignments but I'm lazy to have my effort go all the way. I mean, when there's a need to change lenses to have better perspective of the photo, I would rather move around and use my "foot zoom" than to change lenses. Its silly kasi lumalabas ang pagkatamad ko, partida gusto ko na yung ginagawa ko. Hahaha! But anyway, I'm hoping to be "masipag" at it, in time. Ü For now, learning the basics and putting it into practice is what matters to me most. Naks! Ü

Tired. Sleepy. Exhausted. But loving every minute of it. ♥

Haven't got anything else to say. Till here.

4 days to go.. ♥

6th - "End Of The Line."

I am sleepy. Since I got here at the office, can't help but think of my bed and cuddle up in my pillows. Yes, I am THAT sleepy.

IT'S RAINING! I guess that's a sign that MY birthday is coming up. Well, I do hope it won't rain that hard on my birthday. [Not that I have any plans though.] Shucks! 5 more days and I'll be 23 already. :s

Randome Song Syndrome - "End of the Line" by Honeyz. I don't know when it began but I keep on singing it and humming the parts that I can't remember. I googled the lyrics and.. POOF! Isa na lang nasabi ko.. "SAKTO!" Ü

Kwento ko pa ba? Wag na! Hahaha! Ü Basta, kung pwede lang mag-associate ng isang kanta sa bawat pangyayari sa buhay, ito na yun malamang para sa episode ng buhay ko "lately". Hahaha! Joooke! Hindi ako emo. Basta. Ü

I can't find anything else to say so I'll just have to cut this short. Napansin ko lang kasi na kapag gabi dun gumaganda araw ko eh. yung tipong wala na ko sa office. Hahaha! Ü Basta, dito nalang muna.

--------------------

All alone I wait for you, as darkness fills this room; I don't know why you ain't called. Little things you used to do, they're no longer part of you; seems you left them all behind. Well I can't believe what I'm going through, this thing it just ain't right. Your selfish ways, how you carry on; some things you just can't hide.

If you want me to go, then say it. If you want me to stay, then show it. Don't be afraid to break this heart of mine. Now's the time, if I'm right, then we've come to the end of the line.

Seems like I can't do you right; all I do or say is wrong. All the smallest thing criticized. I deserve some damn respect; nothing more and nothing less. Don't pretend everything's fine. Don't hold it back if it's in your heart; stand up and be a man. Can't read your mind, so just say it aloud. I'm trying to understand.

If you want me to go, then say it. If you want me to stay, then show it. Don't be afraid to break this heart of mine. Now's the time, if I'm right, then we've come to the end of the line.

Even though you've been doing me wrong I still care. Do you think that by treating me cruel that somehow I'll disappear? I love you too much just to walk away. Don't make me hate you; you've got to be straight.

If you want me to go, then say it. If you want me to stay, then show it. Don't be afraid to break this heart of mine. Now's the time, if I'm right, then we've come to the end of the line.

--------------------

5 days to go.. ♥

7th - "Ignoring Method - A Way To Move On?"

IGNORING METHOD - Or often called SILENT TREATMENT [an aloof refusal to speak to someone you know]

What Are You Saying By Not Saying Anything At All

Probably at one time or another you have been either on the giving or receiving end of a silent treatment, otherwise known as the cold shoulder. What you probably didn’t realize is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. Do you know what the anterior cingulate cortex does?

The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them. This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child feels ostracized, therefore is feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted on them, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again.

The silent treatment can be a very destructive behavior when it involves personal relationships. Let’s say with a husband and wife for instance. The silent treatment breeds bitterness on both ends and it borders on emotional abuse… I’m not making that up to be dramatic. That’s what “they” say.

Cooling Off And Ostracizing Are Two Very Different Things

Let’s not confuse the silent treatment with something known as “the cooling off period”. The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state need time to calm down before they begin to speak to this person. That’s fine and actually that’s probably better than sitting and screaming at each other.

There is a big difference between taking some time to cool down and outright ignoring the existence of the other person. The silent treatment would be more along the lines of you doing something that pisses someone off, they clue you in on it (or not), and then they don’t speak to you, acknowledge you or even make eye contact with you for sometimes days. No good.

To me, this is a form of torture. Nothing positive comes from this type of behavior. What makes more sense…blowing up about something, cooling off a little and then talking about how to resolve it OR not blowing up about something, staying completely pissed and not doing anything to help resolve the situation? If you said the latter… you’re a dick.

When someone is administering the silent treatment they are trying to show that they are dominant over you. The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a power struggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less.

When You Are On The Receiving End Of The Silent Treatment

It’s interesting to me that research has shown that woman and men respond to the silent treatment very differently. Woman who are on the receiving end of the silent treatment seem to try anything in their power to win back their good grace with the ostracize where men…don’t. They just deal with it.

But what exactly are the men just dealing with and the woman trying to avoid? The emotional pain associated with being ostracized. Those who have been treated to the silent treatment have reported as sense of loss, of not belonging, of lower self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness. All of these feelings are the result of someone just not acknowledging them or ignoring them. I find that pretty interesting.


Source: http://www.kensavage.com/archives/silent-treatment/


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Just WOW. I'm so much enlightened with what I've read. [And guilty as well. Ü]

I partly agree with what the article said, about the "cold shoulder" inflicting pain to another person. Yeah! It kind of hit me right here. [Sa dibdib. Haha! Ü] I didn't know how serious this is until after reading it. Well, all I can say is.. "NEED I SAY MORE?" Hahaha! Ü Yun na lahat yun eh, may maidadagdag pa ba ko?

Waaiitt! Just a thought.. Ignoring a person is different from ignoring a feeling, right? What if that person is the one who 'triggers' the feeling that you would like to 'ignore'? Will you also ignore him/her? I don't know. I guess every situation calls for different measures.

I admit, I have been doing this "Silent Treatment" for a long time now. Actually, it became my 'defense mechanism' whenever I am mad/pissed/annoyed with someone/something. I just don't want to talk to the person right then and there because I might say something that I'll regret. And also, I try to be calm and maintain composure [Which I am not successful at times.] when 'conflict' arises. I just don't like the thought of confrontations when both sides are 'hot-headed' and not thinking straight. I just wait till the feeling shrug off, then, medyo ok na ulit ako. "Ako na yung lumalayo sa gulo para wala nang gulo." And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.. Until now.

I realized that it's a lot harder when you the 'receiving end' of this "treatment". You don't know what's going on, but you sure know that something's wrong. You just have to go along with what's happening, after all, there's nothing you can do to fix it. It just feels sad to be ignored [Although I am ignoring a lot of people right now. Sorry!] and I think that this article is an eye-opener for me.

Madami pa sana ako gusto sabihin kaya lang hindi ko na maisip kung paano isusulat eh. Napa-Tagalog na nga ako sa kakaisip eh. Haha! Ü Anyway, these are just my opinions, and you don't have to agree with it. {Pero if you agree, ayos! Ü]

So I have to cut this short already, I haven't finished reading the notes for my assignment later. Till here. :)

PS: Kaya ikaw, alam na alam ko yang ginagawa mo.. Dahil ginagawa ko rin yan.. But don't worry, you need not justify it. People just vary on ways on coping up, or in this case, moving on. One thing though, I just thought you'd be different.. That's all..

PPS: Comment ka Aica ah? :)

6 days to go.. ♥

8th - "I HATE YOU!"

10 Things I Hate About You.

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

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I hate the feeling that I cannot truly hate the person who I must hate. Huh? Basta! Yung tipong naiinis ka, pero hindi sa tao mismo kung di dun sa ginawa nya sayo. Pero hindi mo rin maiiwasan na hindi mainis sa tao mismo dahil sya yung gumawa nun? Or sensitive lang ako? Ewan ko. Baka nga inaatake nanaman ako ng "Grinch" mode ko kasi malapit na birthday ko. Labo! Anyway, so ayun na nga. Hate. Hate. Hate. Oo alam kong masama ang mag-hate, dapat "dislike" para subtle lang. Pero hindi eh. Hate talaga dapat. At feeling ko wala nang point tong sinasabi ko.

Minsan, sa sobrang ayaw kong nagagalit sa ibang tao, tumatahimik nalang ako. Magpapasensiya. Iintindi. Ok lang na ako nalang yung umintindi kesa sa magkaron pa ng "serious talk" at makasakit pa ko ng tao diba? Pero tao lang din naman ako, minsan napupuno din. At naiinis din. Pero hidi sa tao mismo, kung di dun sa nangyayari. Ako rin ang nahihirapan kahit ako yung dapat mainis eh. Haaaay! Labo. Hirap maging mapagbigay minsan. :( Pero hindi naman masamang bagay to eh. Nag-ra-rant lang ako para may ma-blog ako. Haha! Joooke! Ü Gagawa din ako ng version ko nitong "10 things" pero I'll not limit myself to just 10, kaya ko kaya hanggang 100? Hahahaha! BITTER! Ü

All I'm saying is, I'm not used to "truly" hating a person. There might be times that I'll utter those words, but don't really mean it. And if I can just ask, how can you hate the person who ALWAYS know how to make you smile? See? Now you're smiling! ^___^

7 days to go.. ♥

9th - "Migraine. Mind Drain."

Still not done with Migraine. Still not done with the "petty fight" as well. :(

This will be one quiet yet relaxing Sunday. Almost! Of course my dad is there to ruin the silence around the house. Aaaarrrgh! My head still hurts!

I woke up, ate, took a bath and went to church near our house so that I can easily get home after the service. Since I can't do anything that will involve moving around, I decided to watch Gossip Girl instead. I ahven't had the chance to watch the other half of Season 3 that's why the timing is perfect.

Actually, Serena, Blair, Chuck, Nate, Jenny, Dan and Vanessa help me take my mind out of the things that I've been worrying lately. [ As in last night "lately".] I love watching them get caught up in their own serious problems, but what's different is that they always know they can get away with it, or that it will always be fine. I wish it could be the same with me. [Upper East Sider?] Anyway, wishful thinking lang naman yun. Ü HIndi masama mangarap! Taaaamaaaah!

Nothing else to say. Quite a boring day for me. But I like it. Till here.

My head still hurts, but I won't stop watching! Haha! Ü

8 days to go.. ♥

10th - "Good Morning.. Not So Good Night.."

Good Morning.
Woke up at 7AM with a severe hangover/headache from last night's "Badtrip Mania" @ Central, then decided to ditch my Photog Class and stay in bed until my headache subsides. I was planning to attend the afternoon session, but then I received a call; "Gusto mo manuod ng Toy Story 3?" "Ngayon na? Sakit pa ng ulo ko eh." "Eh di sige maya maya. Ay! Good Morning nga pala." No more second thoughts.. "ABSENT NA KO!" To my excitement, I quickly got up, and then I felt dizzy again. After a while, I got up again, more stable this time, then prepared my stuff and ate breakfast. "Puyat ka nanaman noh?", asked my mom. "Uhhhmm. Di naman." "Alis ako Ma ha?" "Saan ka pupunta? Sige." I was surprised by my mom's answer. "Good Mood" yata sya. Oh yes! What a great Saturday morning! Ü

Toy Story 3 in 3D Disney Digital.
I really enjoyed the movie; though I didn't like the 3D glasses. [Greenbelt Cinema.] Nothing compared to iMAX! [Haha! Yabang!] Anyway, I really really liked the movie.

Lesson #1: Letting go of something valuable to you.
Letting go doesn't mean that you want to forget it. Its just that sometimes we have to move forward, and by doing that we have to let go of the things which we cannot bring along with us. But because it is important to us, we entrust this to someone who we know will take care of them better than we can. [Oha! Naisip ko pa yun? Bwahaha!]

Lesson #2: Some "Kens" are "Barbies" also.
Hahaha! Natawa lang ako sa movie how they portrayed Ken. Lalaki nga pero sa super pagiging metro-sexual, nagiging bading na. Pero sila lang ni Barbie ang nagkakaintindihan na ang top priority nila ay "fashion". Basta watch it nalang! Baka marami maka-relate! Haha! Ü

Lesson #3: Things are not always what they seem.
Perfectly done by Lotso. [The Pink Bear that smells like Strawberries] Well, reality check. Not all who smiles at you likes you. Not all hugs says that you are welcomed. And not all who befriends you are true to you. [Pessimistic? Nah!] Narelate ko lang naman. Ü Watch it nalang kasi. I don't want to spoil the good parts of the movie.

Not So Good Night.
It all started after the movie. I felt dizzy again, this time its worse. Migraine attack I suppose. I got cranky and I was ranting to go home. I took some meds but I guess it didin't work. Had a little "petty fight" with myself involving someone, and that's when I told myself "I've just had it!". I didn't bother telling the person what the problem is, hoping that the feeling will eventually rip off. [After I get some nice sleep I guess.] An hour later, I woke up, still feeling SO dizzy; that's when I decided not to go to the Preview Party @ Republiq. [SAYAAAAANG!] I felt really bad bacuse I already have something to wear, Virma and Jeff we're already waiting for me, and I bailed on Abhie's event AGAIN. :( But I can't really do anything in my condition, not even fix my hair.

So why am I still blogging? Just wanted to update, that's all.

9 days to go.. ♥

11th - "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."

THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY! Ü

Just a plain "petiks" Friday at the office. Calm. Quiet. Laid back. Perfect! [Or am I just excited? Ü ]

Once again, a "suppose-to-be-ALL-GIRLS-night out" became "LETS-GO-OUT" Friday night chill at Central Adriatico. Being with them [HS Friends] [for the 3rd time this week, I think?] just feels... LIGHT! I mean, nothing to worry about. We don't get to talk about work [except for Abhie because her work is sooo much fun!Ü] or other matters that can ruin the good vibes. As long as I have them, I know I'll be ok. ♥ [Naks! Kung nababasa nyo to, kapal ng mukha nyong lahat! Hahaha!] Even if we get to this EVERY WEEK, I won't get tired of it! [I'll just have to move my Saturday Class to Sunday. Haha!]

Finally, I get to tell my "friend" that I'm totally annoyed at her [Yes, its a SHE!] and her insensitivity towards other people. Well, I may not be a good judge of character, but I really have to tell her what I feel so that "backstab talks" against her would be lessened. As much as I like talking, I really hate the feeling of talking about other people behind their backs. I would rather tell them in their faces, even if they hate after, than talk and talk when they're not around. I've been burdened by this feeling for a long time now, and it feels good having to tell her the truth. I was expecting that she would ask questions about it, and may even cry. Luckily she didn't. She just listened, and I guess she kind of get it already. And I think all is well between us. At least for now. Haha! Ü

All I know is that whatever happens, one thing is for sure.. GIRLS JUST ALWAYS WANT TO HAVE FUN! ♥

So that's just it for today.

10 Days to go.. ♥

12th - "Make Use Of Your Benefits."

Helloooooo JULY! Oh Yes! It is my birth month already. Ü It kind of makes me excited because:

1.) I have lots of friends whose birthday falls on this month, therefore, its also PARTY MONTH! Hahaha. [Lahat nalang may title?] Birthday bashes.. KEEP IT COMING! Ü

2.) Feelin ko ang special special ko pag July, kahit ako mismo yung nagpapaspecial ng sarili ko. Haha! Basta, parang month-long lagi ang celebration ko ng birthday. I don't know lang this year kung ganun pa rin. [Dami kasing set of friends.]

3.) Even though its annoying at times, I kind of enjoy the rainy season. Dapat lang laging kang handa. [Payong? Check. Traffic? Dislike.]

4.) After this month, it will be August.. Then September.. Then October.. I don't know pero parang mas bumibilis yung paglipas ng araw? before you know it, we're celebrating Christmas already! Haha! Ü

So how did I spend the first day of my favorite month? SICK LEAVE. Haha! Ü Actually, I called in sick the night before and I have a very good reason for doing so.

I was scheduled to enroll for my passport on September 17, 2010. Luckily, my mom found an open slot and it was moved to June 30th. But it was declared as a special non-working holiday, so it was moved again to this day. I arrived at the DFA office around 10am [I was planning to be there at 7AM, but I didn't wake up early.] I thought having an appointment online would mean that your application would be processed faster and ahead of time hence you will not fall in line. But I was wrong. THE LINE WAS LONG. As in freaking LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! And because I am practicing to be patient [Haha!] I decided to fall in line. It like I'm in Araneta Coliseum falling in line to buy a ticket to the UAAP Cheering Competition [Being the Thomasian that I am, It is a big deal to watch it at the Big Dome.] Then suddenly, I remember an officemate telling me that there is a "Courtesy Lane" for government employees who will be processing their passport. So after 30 mins. [Of falling in line OUTSIDE the DFA office.] I decided to ask the guard. "Sir, may courtesy lane po ba for government employees?" "Meron, bakit? Government employee ka ba?" [Nagtataray ang jaguar!] "Oo, ito po ID ko." [Z snap!] "Ay ma'am, bat ka pa pumila jan. Dito po yung Courtesy Lane.." At hinatid nya ko sa building na may magandang pinto, malamig, at may escalator pa! Ü So umakyat ako, and followed all the booths that read "Courtesy Lane." And after 45 mins.. CHEDENG! Tapos na! Ang laki ng ngiti ko nung natapos ko na sya, kala ko kasi aabutan ako ng lunch break eh. I have the rest of the day to myself. Basta! At last, I HAVE A FREAKING PASSPORT! SG, Here we come! Ü

The whole afternoon is dedicated to mere bumming! Ü Watched Pretty Little Liars [Which is pretty good and intriguing.] Then around 6pm, I started preparing for my "Eclipse Date" with my sister at Gateway. Sobrang hassle kasi I thought 7pm yung start ng movie, and I'm wondering bakit hindi pa sya tumatawag eh wala pa ko dun. So when I arrived there, nakita ko ang haba ng pila [What is it with this day? Puro pila!] and then I texted her. She told me na 8:30pm pa pala yung movie. Tsk! Kainis lang. Pero ok lang, di naman ako na-bore maghintay sa kanya eh. Iniisip ko nalang treat naman nya to. Ü I haven't had dinner yet, buti nalang may free meal yung movie tickets namin. TACO BELL BABY! Ü Super panalo! Ang sarap ng Quesidillas! Ü Oh, the benefits of being the "youngest" sister! Hehehe.

What I really enjoy when I watch movies with Ate Kat is that pareho kaming "jumpy". I mean, yung masaydong magugulatin sa mga sounds, violence, etc. SO start pa lang ng movie napaindak na kami kay Riley! Haha! Basta! And of course we enjoyed mocking Bella; "Mapusok 'tong si Bella!" "Mga kabataan talaga ngayon!" "GANDA MO BELLA AH!". The movie was okay, I'm not a Twilight die hard fan, I just like to watch it. I haven't read the book.. YET! That's why I don't have something to compare it to. I just adore how Edward proposed to Bella. He's just to freaking sweet for a vampire! ♥

After the movie, they took me home.

And that was how I spent the first day of my favorite month. ♥

Ate Kat's line for the night: "Ayaaaaan naaaa! Ayaaaan naaaa yung mga BUMPFIRE!!" Hahaha. Ü

11 Days to go.. ♥