Even The Best Fall Down...Sometimes.

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This, by far, is the worst state my heart has been.

I can't breathe.

I don't want to deal with this pain.

And I make no sense.

Breaking Free.

"Why can't boys understand that girls can handle honesty?" This has been one of my (daily) rants since.. 2011 and yet one person made me stand up and (slow) clap for understanding the gravity of honesty. :)

"You deserve to know." Yes, everyone deserves to know something (as soon as possible, as truthful as possible, and as detailed as possible) especially if you really value that person.

"Thank you." That conversation (as short as it was) made me realize one thing, that God indeed answers our deepest, most sincere prayers, in His own way..in His own time. I feel so blessed because now, I am free. Free from all inhibitions, doubts, anxieties, "what ifs", "why nots", and stuff. (Yes, it's all in plural form, except for stuff. Haha! Kidding..)  

YWABIMHA.

PS: As short and as vague as this post was, I hope you did get what I'm trying to say. Ktnxbye.

Thank You For The Broken Heart.

Thank You For The Broken Heart
By: J Rice


Everything I know about love I learned from you
And everything I know about pain I learned from you
You were my only, you were my first
You showed me lonely and you took me in when I was hurt
But the most important thing you ever gave me
You was the one that hurt the most

So thank you for the broken heart
And thank you for the permanent scar
Cause if it wasn't for you
I might forget how it feels to let go
And how it feels to get a brand new start
So thank you for the broken heart

I still remember when you called
And said that he didn't admit anything
How could you expect me to look at you the same way
You were my only but not my last
You showed me lonely and you made me put you in the past
The most important thing you ever gave me was the one that hurt the most

So thank you for the broken heart, oh yeah
And thank you for the permanent scar
Cause if it wasn't for you
I might forget how it feels to let go
And how it feels to get a brand new start
So thank you for the broken heart

And every time I find myself alone in pieces
I find myself I'll just remember when you hurt me and I made it

So thank you for the broken heart
And thank you for the permanent scar
Cause if it wasn't for you
I wouldn't be here with the love of my life all my pain disappear
I've come so far
So thank you for the broken heart
I thank you.. I thank you
For the broken heart

#25ThingsImThankfulFor

This is just a consolidated post from my Twitter.. (Because sometimes you cannot compress your thoughts into just 140 characters.) 

25. NO ACCOUNTING CLASSES! - This was the first good news I received today! Reporter ako dapat for my Accounting class later and I'm not that prepared, so when I got the text from my Prof.. Hindi ko mapigilan yung ngiti ko. (Kung pwede mag-jumpshot ginawa ko na!) It's one thing to go to school (After work) on your birthday, pero yung ako pa yung magrereport? Naaaaamaaaan! Kaya buti nalang talaga di natuloy! Weeeee! GOOD VIBES!

24. MY JOB. - (Even though my entire core hates it.) My job pays for my bills, my "wants" and when I have extra, I get to treat my family and buy something for Ysabella. Its also where I get my tithe from. So simply put.. JOB = FINANCIAL BLESSINGS = THANKFUL!

23. RUNNING and BOXING. - Two of my favorite stress-busters. I started running March 2011 because I want to strengthen my knees and my lungs. Boxing was my "delayed" planned since college, so when I got the chance to visit Elorde Taft, I immediately signed-up. Though lately I'm not doing trainings because of other stuff. (Hope to get back soon...est!)

22. APPLE GADGETS. - iPod, iTouch, iPhone, iPad, MacBook Pro..etc. They're simply the coolest thing there is! From the design, technology, interface, and of course the apps on the AppStore... AWESOME!

21. THE BEAUTIFUL BEACHES OF OUR COUNTRY. - I love going to the beach.. They're very calm and relaxing. And little did we know that there's a lot of beautiful beaches here in our country.. And I wish to go to all of them someday.. *wishful thinking*

20. USHER, JORDAN KNIGHT, MAROON 5, JOHN MAYER. - For writing songs that speaks my heart.. CHAROT! I love love LOVE their songs!  

19. BBM. (BlackBerry Messenger) - Friendship knows no distance.. Whaddup BBM friends! Ang dali mag-chikahan gamit ang BBM.. From Pasay to Makati to Quezon City to Mindanao to India to Dubai.. Kala mo magkakalapit bahay lang kung mag-tsismisan! Hahaha! =) 

18. INSANITY and SHAUN T. - For pushing me to "dig deeper". Yan ang paulit-ulit na sinasabi ni Shaun T every workout. It may be insane...but it's all good. You'll thank him for your hardcore abs someday.

17. WONKA CANDIES. - Nerds, Gobstoppers, Runts, Pixy Stix, SweeTarts, Bottle Caps, etc... THEY ARE THE SWEETEST! Need I say more? 

16. MY BABY BOYS. - Josh Acosta, Batch Santero, Bagz Santero, James Umbal, Frank Lee, and of course.. JAMEEL ESCOBER. The sweetest boys I know. I love being an "Ate" to them.. Yan ang mga binabantayan ko, mahirap na.. They "might" break the hearts of SO many girls. Hahaha! =))

15. EX-BFs, FLINGS, CHORVAHS, ALMOSTS. (Whatever you want to call it.) - You've made me stronger by breaking my heart.. Yun na! HAHAHAHA! =))

14. RANDOM FRIENDS, NEW FOUND FRIENDS. - I am learning so much from you and your behavior.. (Not a bad thing.) at least I know hindi pa ako ganun ka-loner, I can still mingle with my fellow humanoids.

13. GODDAUGHTERS AND GODSONS. - And their parents as well, for trusting that I can guide their child/children in the right way. I swear, I'll do everything I can to put up with that responsibility. Thank you for the opportunity.. Pwede na yata ako maging ULIRANG NINANG AWARD sa dami ng inaanak ko.. SWEAR! Lagpas 20 na! But no worries.. I love them all!

12. THE MARIANO CLAN. -From our Grandparents to our Uncles & Aunties, down to the "apo sa tuhod".. I'm thankful for all of them. Even though we only see each other on special occasions, we still have that "close family ties". And the genes.. MY GOODNESS! Look at the family.. Ubod ng ganda't gwapo! =) LOVE YOUR OWN!

11. YOUTH CAMP 2005. - Even if its 7 years ago, I will be forever thankful for this Youth Camp because it paved the way for me to really know, accept, and declare that God is the ruler of my life. *tears* To all the Ates and Kuyas back then, who inspires the Ates and Kuyas now to guide and nurture the youth of our church; To all the lessons instilled in our hearts up until now (Hopefully); To the friendships we've formed; To Dalo, who still remained to be a close friend of mine.. amidst all that has happened; To my first ever LOVE BANQUET with my Ate Kat (That I swear halos ikamatay ko kakaiyak at di na ko makahinga.) and; To my new found sister (back-then) Ate Jojie, who shares the same sentiments regarding "daddy issues" (Na bonggang-bongga naming iniyakan din nung panahon na yun.) I can still vividly (Oo! Vividly!) remember every memory I've had in those 5-days. Basta.. I am thankful for that specific event in my life! I won't forget it...ever!

---------- SHUCKS! BREAK MUNA! NAIYAK AKO NG BONGGA! Emotional ang peg ngayong? :p ----------

10. CCS. (Commerce Cheering Squad) and Coach Ajjie Mendelebar. - All that I've learned in dancing/cheering - dance techniques, skills, hard work, teamwork, determination - you we're with me. For sharing that same passion for dancing for the Commerce Community and for the friendship that just doesn't end "on the floor" when we bring it.. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.. I thank God for all of you. Meeting you and being on a team with you was no accident. Iba-ibang ugali, pero lahat nag-click. I'll always be a proud member of the COMMERCE CHEERING SQUAD! Thank you for making my stay in UST more meaningful and memorable!

9. EMC DANCE MINISTRY. - For having the same desire to worship, praise, honor, serve and glorify God thru our body movements, talents, skills.. thru our dance. Thank you. May we continue on with this ministry for as long as our bodies can. One heart. One dance. One GOD. EMC DANCE!

8. YCC. (Youth Coordinating Council) - The opportunity to be of service to God and to the Youth, the responsibility we have to attend to, the initiative that we have to instill in our hearts and minds to plan activities, the team that God designed to do His works.. All of these.. PRICELESS! 3-time Treasurer.. Booyah!

7. MIDWEEK FELLOWSHIP / PRAYER MEETING GROUP. - Our usual Sundays are not enough, hence, we have to have another day set aside to have our "weekly dose" of God's wisdom and teachings and to have time to pray together and be in fellowship with one another. Bonus nalang na you get to do it with your closest friends. Sana magtuloy-tuloy pa 'to.. Bits, Chasha, Jai, Jas.. *fist bump* (With the guidance of Pas Caloy and Tita Necy) (And we hope makasama pa namin ng mas madalas yung iba..)

6. BEST FRIEND-TURNED-LOVER-TURNED-SWORN ENEMY-TURNED-BEST FRIEND... - Ikaw talaga! You can be all of these at once, you know that? Haha! But seriously, 18 years of friendship?  (And counting) That's something to be really thankful for. Thank you because you "switch gears" whenever you need to.. And I know I'm a bit crazy (Especially when PMSing or birthday's coming..) but you manage to "manage" me.. Gets? All other things I wish to tell you, I'll tell it in person nalang.. (This post is about me, not about you! Chot!)

5. GRANDPARENTS. - Mr. Guillermo Mariano and Mrs. Elisa Atienza-Mariano. Ang ugat ng magandang lahi ng mga Mariano. Even though we only have one pair of grandparents, they're still the best! Hindi nagkulang! Naalagaan (Kahit paano) lahat ng apo, memorize lahat ng FULL NAMES ng mag-anak, laging "may inaabot" kahit na hindi na dapat, at laging humahalik kapag may pagkakataon. Mahal ko yan, mahal namin yan! At kahit na isang pares lang ipinagkaloob samin, sobra-sobra pa sa pagmamahal ng lolo't lola naibigay niyang mga yan saming lahat.. (Trivia: Si Grandpa ang first ever binigyan ko ng dugo dahil ako lang yata ang Type A+ sa pamilya nung time na kinailangan niya. I swear, kung pwedeng 2 bag ang punuuin ko para sa kanya, ginawa ko. Pero di ako ganun katatag, so 1 bag lang.. pero 450cc.)

4. YSABELLA SKY TABERNILLA-MARZAN. - (And to my future pamangkins as well.) For bringing joy to our hearts for the simplest things that you do. (Kahit ngumiti ka lang, I swear, bibigyan ka ng MacBook Pro ni Lolo Daddy mo! Haha!) I never knew being your Tita Ninang would be this fun! Kahit na maubusan ako ng pera, basta para sayo, ok lang! (Pero 'pag dumami na kayo, kailangan mo maintindihan na dapat pantay-pantay kayong lahat.. For now, let's concentrate on you.) Add to that, we have the same birthmonth, I get to have my mini-Grinch/Grinchette! I'll be a good Tita Ninang / Mama Lai to you.. promise! And thank you for sucking out all the bad vibes everytime I get to see you.

3. MY SISTERS KATHY and LESLEY. - The best of both worlds. My sworn enemies when I was still a child.. and now the best "little" sisters I have. (I used to call Ate Kat Ms. Minchin, dahil kung apihin ako parang si Sarah at Becky combined!) Feeling yata nila ako yung panganay at kung makapag-hiling ng "gifts", wagas. Haha! Don't get me wrong, I love giving them stuff, nakakatawa lang isipin minsan. Eh dati lagi nila ako inaaway at inaasar na panget, ampon, etc! Well.. Well.. Well.. LOOK AT ME NOW! (Busabos parin! Chot!) Ganito man ako, never ko na-feel na kailangan ko i-assert sa sarili ko at sa ibang tao na "kapatid nila ako", alam ko naman na talo-talo na talaga sa mukha. Mahal ko kayo, alam niyo na yun.. at alam ko rin na mahal niyo ko.. so no SLOPPY KISSES / WET KISSES on the cheeks necessary, K?

2. MY MOTHER LETICIA. - The bearer of the womb who created me and brought me into this world... (HA? ANG PANGET PAKINGGAN!) My mother, who is always there for us, who always make sure me/we have "baons", who is willing to help anytime, and who simply doesn't get tired of taking care of her "baby damulag"..me! (Trivia: I still sleep beside my mom. Yeah, ganun kami ka-sweet. Haha!)

1. 25 YEARS OF AN AWESOME ROLLER-COASTER RIDE CALLED "LIFE". -  25 blissful years.. What more could I ask for? Silver year baby! Thank you Lord, you are indeed the darling of heaven who gives life to us here on earth. I'd still be excited for the years to come. 

LET THE GOOD VIBES ROLL! Tapusin na ang curse ng
"The Birthday Grinch!"

First John Green Book.

One thing that I look into whenever I choose a book to read is the cover.. Yes, the cover; not the author, the synopsis, or how popular it is on Amazon. In fact, that is how I bought my very first fictional book, right in the "Young Adults" section of Powerbooks, where all the colorful, glittery book covers of Meg Cabot (Patricia Cabot) were placed, I grabed "All American Girl" because of its "cute" cover. (Lame. I know.) And from then on I started collecting her novels and series, and other books from Simon Pulse (Which also has cute cartoon covers..) and Sophie Kinsella. 

And so when I saw an Instagram post of this book, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green,  I instantly borrowed it from my friend. I don't know any novels of John Green, I didn't even know he's the author of this book, what caught my attention more is the comment of Jodi Picoult right above the book. Haha! So, when I got the book, I immediately started my reading.

I didn't put down the book until I've read the first five chapters of it. (I won't go into details on the story as I may be spoiling some of the parts to those who haven't read it yet or planning to read it too.) I was hooked up on the character of Hazel and her situation and wondered if people similar to her were really like that. Anyway, as I am at the middle of the book, a friend (Ate Grace) saw me holding it and she said.. "Ay? Maganda yan! Pero... Basta!" and I was like "Eeeeeehh.. Ano? Mamamatay noh? Hindi happy ending noh?" (SPOILER MUCH!) So upon hearing that, I read it as fast (I'm a busy person, and I do my "leisure" reading and "school" reading almost simultaneously..) as I can and when I reach the end of it.. I let out a sigh and felt my eyes watering.. BUT I managed to hold it back. (Kung nagkataon, unang beses ko iiyak sa pagbasa ng libro, paano na kung nagbasa ako ng Nicholas Sparks?) After finishing the book, I texted Ate Grace.. "Bittersweet ending.. Naiyak naman ako dito.." and she replied "I warned you.. :)". Yup, you did warn me. 

It was a good read. And one thing I've learned from this book is that life is unfair, and knowing that, we should be able to live it to the fullest (not recklessly of course), to live it like it was our last day, and to simply appreciate life as it is, however unfair it may seem. Also, I realized that if people like Hazel and Augustus can have a good life despite their condition, why on earth am I focusing on all the negative things that's surrounding me? :) I know I'm not a bearer of "happy jujus" and can spread it like the fairygodmothers spread pixie dust (HA? ANO? Anong pinagsasabi ko?) but it doesn't hurt to sometimes be happy and smile for no reason at all, right? 

I am no "book critic", but I recommend this book for anyone who has a time to read. :) It's so good, I think this is the first that I've ever written a blog post about a book. HAH! And I'd like to thank Ms. Paulina Piñon for lending me this book.. I really loved it dear.. Thank you. :) 

So 'till here..

Paradigm Shift.

Think of a Paradigm Shift as a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. It just does not happen, but rather it is driven by agents of change. [http://www.taketheleap.com/define.html]

A paradigm is our perception of reality, our view of the world. It is our interpretation of events based on previous teaching we have received. If our paradigm is based only on our input from the media of conventional newspapers, magazines, radio, television, Hollywood films, public education etc., may God help us, for we will only see things the way they, the elite and wealthy rulers of this world who control these sources of information, want us to see things! This is often the opposite of the Truth. A paradigm shift means to have a sudden change in perception, a sudden change in point of view, of how you see things. [http://deeptruths.com/paradigm_shift.html]

So what about "paradigm shift"? [WOW! Big word!] Lately I've been having a lot of realizations about my future. It's just a matter of two months before I turn 25 and yet I feel like I've been on the same "episodes" of my life.. Routinary. Cycle. Paulit-ulit? Unli? Something like that. [Quarter-life crisis? Di naman siguro.. But it can be. Haha!] I know this has been my "forever rant" -- to have CHANGE in my current life, any change for that matter; career/job, hobbies, school stuff, etc. Basta, anything that will change something, be it temporary or permanent, I'll jump into it. BUT of course, I need to weigh certain pros and cons before making a decision, and I need to consider a lot of factors that will affect my decision; time management, salary [Haha!], "financial damage", outcomes, sacrifices, etc.

Paradigm shift, as to my understanding, is a change not on the current situation but rather more on the change of perception on why certain things happen. Change of perception -- this has been a challenge for me for the past two years [Grabe, ang tagal!] -- that certain things happened and turned out to be NOT IN MY FAVOR. ANG SAKIT! Tagos sa buto! [*Angel Locsin tone* in the movie "Unofficially Yours." Bwahaha!] There were nights I kept wishing that it didn't / never happened, I even blamed myself why it happened, or why I let it happen.. But as time goes, I've come to accept that those things happened, IT JUST HAPPENED, and there's nothing more that I can do but just these three things -- ACCEPTANCE, FORGIVENESS, AND LIVE. True enough that it's easier said than done.. but that's the beauty of it.. "challenging" as it may seem, it is possible to overcome the bad with the good, rather than let yourself be consumed by evil. Change of perception. Paradigm shift. 

A friend once told me that "there can't be any change in your life unless you allow change. Parang ang dating nya eh "Walang magbabago kung wala kang babaguhin." Change is not a gust of wind [YEEEEEES! Guma-gust of wind pa! Ano nakain ko?] that will come your way and then.. poof! Changed person ka na! You also have to have effort to bring about change in your life, if your open to it, then you'll be positive on what change can bring you. Certain sacrifices must be made, it the outcomes will be for the better, why not do it, right? As hard as it is to let go of the things na nakasanayan na natin, we need to do it so that change can occur.Set your priorities well. Allow change. Paradigm shift.

Lastly, dahil sa gustong-gusto ko ng "changes" sa buhay ko, I take charge of  how to run my life. I have MY plans set already and then that's just the time that I'll turn to God to bless and guide me as I execute MY plan. I 've had my fair share of having control in my life, but it turns out I'm not so good at it.; I keep stumbling, mistake after mistake. And that's when it hit me.. I NEED TO BACK DOWN AND SURRENDER. So I guess now is the time to stop putting puzzle pieces that don't fit on the blank spaces. Let go. Let God. Paradigm shift.

So, this ends here. Au revoir! ^_____^

I'm still.. and will always be excited on God's awesome plan for me. BRING IT! :)

Go And Sin No More.

The perfect song for this year's Youth Camp with the theme "Breaking Sin". The message is simple but has a great impact, especially to the ones who can relate to it. [I think almost everyone can.] It's about Repentance, Redemption, and everything in between. If you're not familiar with the song, you can search for it via YouTube. :)

GO AND SIN NO MORE
by: Rebecca St. James

I've sinned, come on my knees
For I'm not worthy of Your love
How could You die for me
Such grace can only come from God

Oh Lord, You search and You know me
You see me inside out
God, You alone can forgive me
Erase my fear and my doubt
Father, You pick me up
I feel like a child in Your arms
I don't deserve this love,
but I hear Your voice, Lord Jesus

CHORUS:
Go and sin no more
He said "I will not condemn you,
I'll forgive and I'll forget it all
Go and sin no more
My child, let me remind you it
is I who'll lead and guide you as you go"

You are my purpose - You are the reason that I live
I want to be like You - Help me to love and to forgive
God, let me not be distracted
Lord, help me focus on You
Keep sin from ruling my life, Lord - make me holy and pure
Father, You pick me up - I feel like a child in Your arms
I don't deserve this love but, I hear Your voice Lord, Jesus

CHORUS:
Go and sin no more
He said "I will not condemn you,
I'll forgive and I'll forget it all
Go and sin no more
My child, let me remind you it
is I who'll lead and guide you as you go"

Wipe, wipe away
Take, take away
Break, break away
Fill my life, make it right
Father, help me, Father, help me go

CHORUS:
He said "I will not condemn you, no
Go and sin no more
My child let me remind you it is I
who'll lead and guide you as you go"

I've sinned, come on my knees, how could You die for me
You search my heart - know my thoughts
See me inside out and all throughout me
You alone can forgive me
You always pick me up - like a child in Your arms
I could stay with Your forever here

And the saga continues.. Let's put on the armor and together be the army of God. :)

Yes, She Doesn't Mind.

New URL. And yes, SHE DOESN'T MIND! She. Doesn't Freaking. Mind. Ü

I first thought of 'shedoesntmind' for my new URL, but since its so common and any other girl can think of it to be their blog's URL, it wasn't available for use. And so I used my beloved first name and came up with 'melissadoesntmind'.

Why I don't mind?

First of all, I am a bit of a worry-wart. An OC planner. A workaholic mulit-tasker. [Yep, I'm that busy bee.] And I am very VERY tired already. With all the things I've been doing lately, I think I lost track of what's really important, my priorities are lost. I keep on looking at the future, but the sad truth is, my present is a mess. A really big mess. So during one of my devotions, I came across with these quote:

"In principle, we want God's wisdom. In practice, we follow our own."

It made me think for a while, and realized that it was right. That I always tend to ask for God's wisdom and knowledge when I need it, especially when making a decision, but in the end, I follow my own discernment, and trust that God will make it work in my favor. Gaaaaah! Control freak. Kainis!

But now, I have a new mantra. I won't mind. It doesn't mean that I won't care, its just that I wouldn't stress myself with the things around me to go my way. Or I would take it nicely and whole-heartedly if my desires wouldn't be given to me. [YET!] And I will try to live one day at a time. Ü I won't mind if my boss continues to reprimand me whenever/wherever she wants. I won't mind if my professors gave a lot of "last-minute" papers due next week. I won't mind if some of my friends may seem distant at times. I won't mind if people continue to lie, cheat, steal, etc.

But I will mind my judgments towards other people; my choice of words and my tone of voice when I talk to other people; my my heart to find forgiveness to others, and to myself as well.

That's all. Couldn't think of a better conclusion for this entry. I hope you don't mind. Gaaah! Get it? Ü

Scrubs. (All Over Again.)

And because I'm super bored everyday at work, and because the "resource" is available (and accessible), and because I CAN.. I'm currently watching Scrubs, from Season 1! Ü I've seen it before 'till Season 5, I think. And now, watching it again.. Mas gets ko na yung jokes at sarcasm nila. Hahaha! Ü SO mas natatawa na ko.

That's it. Ktnxbye.

Of Love, Friendships, Closures, And Everything In Between.

Huling hirit sa February.. Game?

LOVE.

All the while I thought that as you grow old, you also get to be wiser when it comes to love. But it seems that I'm the otherwise. Tama ba? Hindi ba masyado na yata akong matanda para sa mga paulit-ulit na hinanaing tungkol sa pag-ibig? In fairness, I think I'm having enough. (Present tense, still ongoing.)

Yesterday, I saw a friend's tweet -- "Dear maturity, choosy ka?" I forgot the next line, but it goes something like pili lang yata yung binibigyan ni maturity ng 'maturity'. Get it? Natawa ako at first, pero naisip ko, ako mismo sa sarili kulang nito minsan. Haha! Minsan lang sumpungin ng maturity. Olats.

LOVE + LIES = AWAY NA 'TO!!

I just don't get it. Why do you have to lie if you're not hiding something from someone? Or better yet, why lie if you don't have to? I'm not being self-righteous, I've had my fair share of lying to someone about something, but what I don't get is why lie about something that's already out in the open?

Sample ba? Ganito.

Sample #1 : Kunyari si Person A nakita ni Person B may ka-HHWWPSSP sa isang mall, eh parang kagabi lang magka-text pa sila at binalak mag-Vday date at kung maka-arriba si Person A single na single ang datingan, so ayun na nga. Nakita ni Person B si Person A, na BOOM BOOM BOOM niya, and when asked about it, todo deny pa si Person A. "FRIEND" lang daw yung ka-HHWWPSSP niya. Ibang klase! Caught 'red handed' na, nagdedeny pa. Wala namang kaso kay Person B, kaya nga nakakapagtaka bakit kailangan pa i-deny ni Person A. Kalerks!

Sample #2 : "It's Complicated" ang peg ni girl at boy. Nagkataon na inatake ng 'curiosity' si boy at sa kagagawan niyang yun may nakita siyang mga bagay na sana di nalang niya nakita. Matagal na nangyari yung mga nakita niya, pero ang ipinagtaka lang niya ay nung mga panahong 'yon, iba ang kwento ni girl. Salisi yata. Ok lang sana kay boy eh, kaya lang di maiiwasan na masabaw siya. "Hindi siya nagsinunggaling, hindi niya lang nasabi yung totoo." -- Paulit-ulit sa utak ni boy yan. At si girl, kebs ang. Deadma. Patay malisya. Ang tanong, may dapat bang gawin ang kung sino man para maayos nila yun? At anong ugat nitong 'problema' na 'to? LIE! Tsk.

I have lied and I have been lied to. Kaya nga I know the feeling on both ends eh. I'm still wondering, if you really love a person, why do you have to lie to him/her? Para di siya masaktan? Eh diba pareho lang naman kung sakali?Inevitable ba talaga ang pagsisinungaling? Siguro nga. Mabuti nalang marami paring mga tao ang mapagpasensya, mahinahon, at malawak ang pag-unawa. Sa inyong lahat, saludo ako! Ü


"Don't tell me you're sorry, 'cause you're not. And baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught. But you put on quite a show, really had me going. But now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing. That was quite a show, very entertaining. But it's over no, go on and take a bow."


FRIENDSHIPS.

Lately, I've been re-assessing the friendships I've made the past years. I'm not the type of person kasi na kung makipag-kaibigan akala mo Facebook. (Maisingit lang ang kabitteran sa FB. Haha!) Tipong friend of a friend, iffriend mo na? Sometimes, it works, pero for me, more of an 'acquaintance' pa lang yun. I'm more into the 'depth of friendship' kasi. (Kaya nga nabuo ang kataga na 'Test of friendship' eh.) Hahaha!

For me, friendships are a lot like relationships (Minus the intimacy of course.) -- they need to make an effort for it to be stronger and stand the test of time. Bwahaha! KAARTEHAN! Simple lang, kung paano kayo sa mga jowa niya, ganun dapat kayo sa mga kaibigan niyo. Nakakainis na nga maiwan sa ere ng bf/gf/fling/chorvah/girlaloo/boylaloo mo, ano pa yung 'kaibigan' mo talaga diba? I really REALLY value the friendships that I have with a ton of people. (I have lots of 'best friends' and 'better friends'. Haha! Meron din 'best friends turned lovers turned strangers'. Hahaha! That's another story!)

I just don't like it when a 'friend' of yours suddenly shuts you off (?) just because he/she/it (Haha!) is doing well. Naaaaamaaaaan! Fair-weathered friends ba yung term dun? Basta. But that's just me and that's my prerogative. (It's Britney bitch!) Marami na nga akong na-encounter na 'jerk', hanggang sa pakikipag-kaibigan ba naman meron parin? OA! "Natural na nature lang ng mga kaibigan ang di magparamdam. Malay mo may pinagdadaanan na sila na di mo alam, o ayaw ka nalang nila guluhin dahil baka may pinagdadaanan ka din." Something like that. Nasermonan pa ko ng mabuti kong kaibigan dahil sa isang 'childish act' na nagawa ko recently. Yeah, I was quick to assume that a certain person and I were no longer friends.. just because. (Haha! No explanation. Or di ko lang ma-explain ng maayos. Kung baga.. nag-AWOL. Ganun! Eh pikon na pikon ako sa ganun eh, seryoso!) But at the end of the day, things were clarified.. If I'm to put it in words, it would be this simple.. "Steady lang."

Naku! Kaya kayo, kilalanin mabuti ang mga kinakaibigan. Mahirap na. Haha! Di purket masaya kasama yun na yun. :p Mas maganda yung kahit hindi masaya ay kasama mo parin. BOOM BOOM BOOM! Ü


"Do you cling to your pride and sing 'I will survive'? Do you lash out and say 'How dare you leave this way'? Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away.."


CLOSURES.

Is it really important? Does it matter? Or is it just an excuse to get another shot at something/someone? While closure eliminates ambiguity, it also stirs up confusion. Ha? labo ba? It's like (Conyo ampf!) not leaving someone "hanging" or to tie up loose ends; but when closure is attained, it doesn't end there. A lot of "What if's" and "Should have been's" will be drawn, thus leaving you more confused than ever. (Hindi na makuntento. Isip ng isip, parang babae! Haha!)

But on the contrary, closure sets limitation. Kung may closure na, malamang nalinaw na ang mga dapat linawin, at napagkasunduan na ang dapat na "lagay" ng kung sino man. TRANSPARENT. No more gray area.

Walang kwenta. Haha! Naisip ko lang kasi bigla. And kung bakit ba ko nakakaramdam ng "need for closure" eh feeling ko wala namang dapat i-close. Gets? Labo! Erase. Erase. Erase.

Basta, pag humirit ako ng "Kailangan ko ng closure." pakisilip nalang yung zipper ko, baka nakabukas lang pala, umaarte pa ko. :p


"Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it. And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you. But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind; underneath a disguise of a smile, gradually I'm dying inside.."


EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.

** Nape Tattoo
** Pet Shih Tzu
** Blackberry Torch 9800
** First sem almost over.. Getting ready for the whole acad year..
** And many more to come..

And in everything.. there is constant change.

My motto for 2012 : "This year is all about change."

And I strongly believe that this year will bring out a lot of changes in me, for me, and by me.

BRING IT! \m/



** (Kalat-kalat na kaisipan, pinilit isulat lahat sa iisang entry. Ito ang resulta. Bow.)

Nalipasan.

Dalawang araw na lang at tapos na ang pinaka-masaya at pinaka-paborito kong buwan (Asa!) ng taon.. GOODBYE FEBRUARY! ('Wag ka na muna babalik ah! Epal! Hahaha!)

Halos buong buwan ako hindi nakapagsulat dito. At hindi dahil sa wala akong masabi o kung ano man, hindi ko lang ano uunahin ko sa dami ng mga nangyari. Yung iba nga ako mismo nakalimutan ko yung mga detalye, pero yung pakiramdam.. damang-dama ko parin! Chot! Maarte! Gusto ko sanang isa-isahin pero bukod sa wala namang interesado, tinatamad ako. Babalikan ko na naman ang bawat araw ng Pebrero sa utak ko.. NO THANK YOU!

Sobrang busy sa school. At ako naman si magaling na kung kailan kailangang magsipag eh dun pa natuto mag-"procrastinate". (Pinanganak ba ulit ako kahapon at bigla ako naging isang dakilang procrastinator?) Patapos na ang Pebrero, papasok na ang Marso.. Hindi ibig sabihin nito mas dadali ang mga araw. GALAW-GALAW! Deadlines. Final requirements. Finals. Book report. Sheeeeeeeeez! (At ang tapang ko pang mag-9 units next sem para maging qualified sa scholarship program. GOODLUCK!) Pero sabi nga nila, hirap muna bago sarap. So bago ako mag-"Summer Vacation" mode ay magsusunog muna ako ng kilay at tutunga ng mga 5 bote ng kape para makapag-comply sa mga requirements. AJA! This better be worth it!

May pinagdadaanan ako, pero 'wag kayong mag-alala, dinadaanan ko lang, at di ko balak tambayan. Kaya pasensya na sa mga "random fit" ko (Kung sino man ang mga nasampolan na, paumanhin.) at mga unreasonable at irrational (Pero hindi naman totally irrational, di niyo lang ako gets minsan. Haha!) blahs ko. Basta. Matatapos din 'to. Ako na, ako na talaga ang S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D! Wala nga akong FB account pero hindi parin ako natututo at ako parin talaga ang gumagawa ng paraan para "kumuha ng bato at ipukol sa sarili kong ulo". Haaaaaay. -- WOAH! Teka, teka, teka.. Saan galing yun? Memasingit lang? Hahaha! Che!

Isang malaking pasasalamat pala sa limang taong 'to na kahit nakakalat sa iba-ibang lugar ay wala parin kupas sa pambabasag: Mafe, Chi, Tina, Cliff, and Mary. Hahaha! Sakit ng daliri ko kaka-type at panga ko kakatawa sa mga kalokohan niyong lahat! Love you all! BBM all day everyday! ♥♥♥

Dito na lang. Ktnxbye.

Church At Prayer.

Our most gracious and loving heavenly Father, all glory and honor be unto you.

We come to you with humble hearts.

We thank you Lord, for your sustaining grace and everlasting love. We thank you Lord, for in the midst of so much suffering around us. You still always make your presence felt.

Bless our country Lord. Give our leaders wisdom to see what is right and the strength to pursue it. Help those who have been struck by calamities and those who suffer. We pray Lord, that you extend your healing hand and give them peace that they may become aware of your love and presence.

We pray for our church Lord. Be with our leaders and help them. Give them the discernment, that they may know your will and give them faith that they may follow it. Bless our pastors. Sustain them as they do the work you have entrusted to them. Empower them, that they may always remain faithful.

We pray for the youth. We pray that you will continually guide them. Help them Lord to channel their energy for your service. Give them sound minds as they study and give them the will to resist all the temptations around them. Be with them as they grow in faith and keep them steady in the path to righteousness. We pray that you continue to nurture their talents and skills so that it may be used all for your glory.

Forgive us Lord for all our shortcomings. Forgive us if at times we fail to remember our duties and responsibilities as stewards of your faith. We pray that you accept our sincere apology.

We thank you Lord for always hearing and answering our prayers. All of these we faithfully ask, in the most precious name of Jesus. Amen.

On Leave.

Sobrang busy the past.. err.. months (?) na wala na talaga akong time to post something "worth reading". Lahat yata puro rants and blahs lang eh. Anyway, sorry for that. Things are just a little crazier this time. Pero dahil ginusto ko 'to, wala akong dahilan para magreklamo ng bongga. So, dito muna for now. 'Till then.

I LOVE GRAD SCHOOL! Not. ♥♥♥

** When I come back.. I'll come back with a bang. [Chot!]

$%!@*&#^ This!

$%!@*&#^ This! I hate it! I quit! AYOKO NA! AYAW! AYAW! AYAW!

Hindi ako mapili sa trabaho, alam yan ng mga magulang ko at sa mga taong matagal nang nakakakilala sakin. Hindi rin ako tatamad-tamad tulad ng sinasabi sakin dito, alam din yan ng Nanay ko, HINDI AKO TAMAD! At lalong-lalo naman na may tiyaga ako sa kung anong trabaho ang iharap mo sakin.. Pero ngayon? $%!@*&#^ This! SOBRA NA! Ayoko na! Sawang-sawa na ko sa araw-araw na dalawang libong mahigit na phone calls na kalahati pa dun ay mga bastos at walang modo [SOBRANG UNPROFESSIONAL] na clients na akala mo residential yata ang tinatawagan at kung minsan parang pay phone pa sa kung saan ang gamit! ANG EEPAL NINYONG LAHAT! [with matching turo-turo ala Assunta de Rossi in JOLOGS.]

Parang ganito lang yan eh.. HINDI AKO NAG-ARAL NG APAT NA TAON SA KOLEHIYO PARA BAGSAKAN NG TELEPONO NG ISANG WALANG MODONG [AT JOLOGS MAG-ENGLISH, TRYING HARD, FEELING SOCIALITE] CLIENTE! $%!@*&#^ This! At ano tingin niya sakin? Robot na walang "programmed" na sagot kapag nagaalburuto ang cliente? Underdog na hidni alam gagawin kapag nasigawan? Ako pa ba magpatalo? DEMMET! EH di nasigawan siya! Hahaha! Well, hindi naman yun biglaan at tipong "marketer" [Palengkera] ang dating at bigla nalang ako nag-snap ng ganun. Pang-anim [Oo, nabilang ko.] na beses niya na kong binabastos over the phone, yung hindi courteous/professional kind of bastos, ganun. Eh nabosesan ko siya. So ayun, inunahan ko na.

"MA'AM SANA PO HINDI NIYO PO BINABAGSAK YUNG TELEPONO KASI MASAKIT PO SA TENGA AT MEDYO HINDI PO MAGANDA YUNG ASAL NIYO." Tapos hindi siya nagreply. At marahan niyang binaba ang phone. Olats!

Ang nauna ay "external stress factor", iba pa yung "internal stress factor". Tao ba 'to? OO! Hayop ba 'to? Pwede. Hayop sa katamaran! $%!@*&#^ This!

Ganito yan eh, kung alam ko lang sagutin LAHAT ng tanong ng mga cliente niyo, hindi ko na ipapasa sa inyo yung tawag. Alam ko namang busy ang lahat, lalo na sa department niyo. [Oo, sensitive ako sa environment ko. Unlike you!] Pero wala akong alam sa mga processes na yan eh . [At hindi ko kasalanan na wala akong alam, I WAS NOT INFORMED!!] So talagang babagsak at babagsak sa inyo yung mga tawag... Tapos anong gagawin mo? Deadma ka lang? Muta ang phone? Kiber sa mga phone-in queries? ANO KA, BOSS? $%!@*&#^ This! Tibay ng loob niyo "boss"! Ang laki-laki ng sweldo niyo, konting effort pa jan para naman kahit paano tumugma ang pinapasahod sayo sa tinatrabaho mo. Oo judgmental siguro ako sa pagkakataon na 'to, pero "boss", last year ka pa ganyan. Dati nga lakas mo pa makareklamo sakin na pinuputakti ka ng tawag. EH ANO PA PO AKO? Lunok lang pahinga. Palit tayo, trip mo?

Tama na. Galit ako kaya kung ano-ano sinasabi ko. *In hell.. Excel..*

Anyway, ayun lang, nag-rant lang ako. Ang init ng ulo ko [Literal. Yung parang may steam. Ganun ka-init.] at ang tigas ng batok at balikat ko [Malamang ay dahil sa stress.] at wala na kong energy para magalit pa. Naubos na mula alas-otso [Oo, pagpasok na pagpasok palang, umaaribba na ang mga tawag!] ng umaga. Haaaaaaaay! $%!@*&#^ This!

J-Hunting.

Before 2011 ended, I promised myself that if I don't get to be regularized here at the company I'm currently working, I'd find career opportunities in other companies. Why? Because I've been working here for 2 freaking years already and I'm still not on a regular status. And it's not because of my performance, I'm very well sure of that. And of course, my current job/position doesn't let me maximize my "potential" to excel and to utilize my skills. Kaya ito.. Nangangalawang na, nabobobo pa.

Rant mode: on. Of the 2 years that I've been working here:
1.) Are they properly orienting new employees [including me.] on the description/nature of the job that will be taking on? NO.
2.) Are they doing anything to contribute to the 'career growth' of the employees? NO.
3.) Are they provided enough trainings/seminars to further learning? NO.
4.) Are they prompt in giving promotions/regularization to contractual employees? HELL NO!
5.) Are they giving 'bonggang-bonggang' incentives and a competitive salary rate? HELL YEAH!
Tssss.. Panira! Che!

So, if can't do anything about my regularization, why not do something that I'm in control of? OPERATION J-HUNTING! Ü

I'll admit, it isn't easy. Not that there are no available vacancies, it's just that I feel I'm not fit for those positions or that I don't qualify in terms of the technical skills needed. [Yeah. So much for the training requests! Walang natupad kahit isa!] I'm like on entry level again/fresh graduate. And this fact is kind of depressing. REALLY.

But one thing is for sure, I won't leave until there is a replacement. I'm not that stupid/desperate! I should keep in mind that I still have 3 years of schooling that I need to pay for. *wink*