............

My shattered dreams and broken heart are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I’m down to my last cry

I was here, you were there, guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you, I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I got to be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....

I’m gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down...
To my last cry...

............

After almost 5 songs, 4 annoying calls, and 10 minutes of just staring at the monitor, I still couldn't come up with a good intro.. So here goes.. Game.

A LOT has been going on, with you, with me, and the rest of the world. And honestly, it's more than I can bear, physically and emotionally. Every time I read your posts in your blog, I couldn't help but cry, think of you, and worry about you. If I can really take away all the hurt, pain, sadness and everything else that you're going through, I'd gladly do it, wholeheartedly. But the truth is, there is nothing that I can do. I couldn't think of anything "appropriate" to do with the situation. I'm all out of plans this time.

I know I haven't got the slightest idea of what you're really going through, but I do know it's not that easy. All I know is that everything has a purpose, and that He will never ever leave you. So you need not worry, because even if the people around you leave you or if all else fail, He'll be there with you, holding you and carrying your burdens for you.

Know that you'll always have that one prayer warrior who'll continue to pray for what's best for you and for the things that is yet to come.

So no matter what you've been through, no matter what you're into
No matter what you see when you look outside your window
Brown grass or green grass, picket fence or barbed wire
Never ever put them down, you just lift your arms higher
Raise them 'till your arms are tired, let them know you're here
That you're struggling, surviving, that you're going to persevere
Ain't nobody leaving, nobody going home
Even if they turn the lights out, the show is going on...

Quarter-Life Crisis.

Another laid-back Friday here at the office, it's just midday and yet I have nothing to do anymore. [Or I haven't started what I'm supposed to do yet.] Anyway..

This week has been a mix of boredom, over thinking, paranoia, jealousy, and intimidation. Yes, one emo-rant post coming up.

I think I might be going through a "quarter-life crisis". I heard this before but I didn't picture myself being on it. Well, it's just that I started "evaluating" my life in general at the moment, and what/where I want to be in the future. I wanted to further my studies, I wanted a career-growth, I wanted to start on investing on my house, I wanted a new hobby, a new job, meet new people, etc. And then one Wednesday morning, I cried. In my current situation, I feel like I'm trapped, can't moved towards my 'goals' in life. My job doesn't have any opportunity for promotion [I'm still on probation for almost 2 years now.], I don't have enough savings to enroll at UST-GS or even in PWU-GS, I also don't have enough money to go on skills-enhancement trainings, or start looking for a house [My mom won't approve of me applying for a housing loan this early.], AND MY FREAKIN' CREDIT CARD APPLICATION WASN'T APPROVED! [For the Nth time, probably the world is conspiring for me not to have a credit card, REALLY!]

I don't know what triggered this "quarter-life" sh*t dilemma. Maybe because I'm in search of something to do, or something to look forward to? Perhaps the present is not that nice to look at that's why I need to look ahead to keep me going? BUT, reality check, I'm here now. I have to deal with my life, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! And hope that eventually, I'll arrive where I'm supposed to be. It's just sad to know that I can't do anything at the moment but to 'go along' life, day-by-day. As what my mom said last night "Isa-isa lang kasi ang pag-ayos ng buhay 'Nak. Dati, lovelife, ngayon naman career. Mamaya mag-asawa ka nalang bigla ah?" And then I cried again. Masama naman bang isaayos ang buhay? I don't know. I fell asleep crying... again.

I just hope that this EPISODE will pass [kasabay ng pag-alis ni Chedeng sa bansa] and bring back the hope in me... 'cause as for the moment.. there is none.

Crush.

I've always been a Mandy Moore fan. From the very first MTV of "Candy" down to her movies, until she turned brunette.. I've always loved her. [Even if my HS frieds mocks me for that! Haha!] I just remembered this because her song was stuck in my mind for a day now. [Or maybe.. Just maybe.. Am I crushing on someone? Hahaha! Nah!] Here it goes..


CRUSH
by Mandy Moore

You know everything that I'm afraid of
You do everything i wish i did
Everybody wants you, everybody loves you

I know I should tell you how I feel
I wish everyone would disappear
Every time time you call me, I'm too scared to be me
And I'm too shy to say

Ooh, I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

You know, I'm the one that you can talk to
And sometimes you tell me thing that I don't want to know
I just want to hold you
And you say exactly how you feel about her
And I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

Ooh, I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that i do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

Ooh, I wish I could tell somebody
But there's no one to talk to, nobody knows
I've got a crush on you
A crush on you, I got a crush

You say everything that no one says
But I feel everything that you're afraid to feel
I will always want you, I will always love you
I've got a crush...


**Someday, Im'ma make a cover for this song. [After I learn how to play the guitar. Sheeeeeesh.]

Guess Who's Back.. With A New Name..

Halluu blog world. It's been so long [As if there are constant readers of this blog.] since my last post, I think. Anyway, I'm back, and I changed my URL. Why? Because I can! And because I forgot my old URL. Haha! I don't know, the past two months we're kinda hectic and I didn't get the chance to really write it down.. And my new URL.. MELAIKINDABLOGS. As in Melai kinda blogs. Gets? I'm not a real blogger [If according to the definition of the social-cyberworld] but I am fond of writing my random blahs and constant rants and occasional 'E'-pisodes. Anyway..

UPDATES. UPDATES. UPDATES.

REPENT. RECEIVE. REDEEMED.
I just got back from Youth Camp. It was indeed a very fulfilling activity since a lot participated and a lot were blessed and touched by the Holy Spirit. [A whooping 106 campers and 29 counselors and staff] Words aren't enough to describe it. I was just amazed on how God [again] worked throughout the camp. ANG GALING! Ü Of course, I was also happy because He again used me to share His words to those young people. New faces, new found friends, better & deeper friendships, resolved issues, renewed life, clean heart, FUN, FUN and FUN. Truly one memorable camp. :)

SETTING THINGS STRAIGHT.
For the two weeks I've been contemplating on things and about the "future". I did a lot of thinking, arguing with myself, justifying things with my biased self, etc. BUT, as what people always say, right decisions are not always the happy ones. So even if it breaks my heart, I have to make those decisions [even if I'm half-hearted.] in order to set things straight and be right. These have burdened me for the past months, and now, by doing this, I can't really say that the burden is lifted out on me, but I know that everything will be right again, one by one. [I just hope that the people that I've hurt along the way would come to understand me in time. After all, this isn't just or me. It's for the benefit of all. I think?]

KEEPING IT TOGETHER.
So yeah. I am once again back to square one. But I know this time I'll manage to keep it together, I just have to keep myself super busy to avoid "idle moments". It'll be the whole coping up process again. Reliving the hurt and pain again. And going through it again for the Nth time. Gaaaaaaah! I don't know anymore what to think or how to feel. I guess I'll just let myself rest for now. And just watch how things will go from here. And hoping that all will go well..